top 5 problems with boys

1. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this “I have feelings” trend that’s going on with boys, but WHAT THE FUCK? I never go home with strangers but occasionally I’ll go home with someone I do know, and we’ll be about to have sex and suddenly he’ll get all sensitive and shit about whether or not I’m into him or if I’m just here to fuck. And I’m like, “yeah…I’m totally naked with a condom in my hand and I’m here to cuddle?” Maybe it’s this whole new movement where women are all empowered and shit, but that doesn’t mean that men have to step into our old role of wanting things like “relationships” and wanting to talk about “feelings.” If I wanted to fuck a pussy, I would’ve been a lesbian.

2. Many of the guys I hang out with fall into two categories: cartoonists and non cartoonists. But the problem here is competition. Men are, by nature, very competitive. So my non cartoonist friends get competitive about things like skateboarding and biking while my cartoonist friends get competitive about comics and video games. So basically I get to choose between 17 year olds or 7 year olds. Awesoooome.

3. Their dicks don’t vibrate.

4. Guys are attracted to beautiful, buxom women because it’s hard wired in their brains. Sexy ladies=good genes=good breeding partner=continuation of the human race. Even if they don’t know that it’s a rote, animal instinct driving their lust, well, then they‘re, um, uneducated. That means girls like myself who aren’t quite as genetically blessed are always going to have a harder time attracting boys. It’s a fact of nature. Proven by science. And science is the shit & you can’t fight it. Oh sure you can try to win them with your “sense of humor” and your “smarts” and other such bullshit, but if it’s the human race you’re worried about and you feel the need to shit out yet another snotty white trash brat who’s gonna drink diet coke during breakfast, then keep in mind that it’s lot less effort to just get drunk, show some tit and hope for the best.

5. #3.