ridiculous things

1. Baths: While partaking in my favorite activity: sitting in the bathtub, reading used magazines & drinking cheap red wine, I realized how utterly ridiculous baths are. While I can’t wait to get home from a double shift waiting tables & sink into a hot bath full of bubbles & booze, half of the world is cursing the fact that they have to climb into a filthy tin tub of used tepid water that nine of their siblings just peed in. So while that half would give their firstborn for a clean, hot shower, I’m like “meh, I’d prefer to wallow in my own filth, thank you very much.”

2. People telling me I’m short: Sometimes when I meet people, they’re like “wow! you really are short!” (I’m 5′2) and I’m like, “no fuck, assface.” I’m going to start telling people that I’m super SUPER short, like, midget short, so that way when they meet me, they’ll be like “damn baby, you’re one tall midget!”

3. The guy who stands in front of the giant tree in the park across the street from my house from 6-8am everygoddamnday: Dude just stands there, in front of the tree, meditating or some shit. I’m fine with joggers & those goofy people who do tao-bo or kung fu or whatever in the park but with this guy, I’m like “get a fucking job you piece of zen poo.” Also, I have no idea why, but three square feet of grass where he stands is the only dead patch in the whole park. Is the guy just standing there peeing for two hours? what a douche.

4. Cats n’ Bitches: Last night, my roommate & I were hanging out in her room, watching fighting videos on YouTube and after an hour of “gak!” and “oh shit doode!” we needed something a little less violent to soothe our growing misanthropy and she goes, “I’ve got the perfect thing!” and types in “cats” and we immediately fell into hysterics watching cats do hilarious cat things and everything was alright. Yep, it’s just that easy to make girls happy. Stupid, stupid girls.

5. Babies: They shit, scream, cry and keep you up all night. Who in their right mind would look at one of those stinky, snot covered mini persons & be like “hot damn, I’d love to squeeze that out of my ripped open cunt in a slimy bath of blood & shit.”
(Yeah, that’s right, you SHIT when you have babies. I know this because my ma was a lamaze teacher for 20 years & I grew up watching close ups of vaginal births on video. This may be why I don’t have a TV in my apartment now that I’m kinda-sorta grown up. This may also be why I hate babies. Besides the fact that they’re little fucking bastards.)