top 5 useless inventions

1. AcoustiClear: I’ve been seeing these small CD players with clear speakers in stores for awhile now, and I’m totally confused. I thought the bigger and the uglier, the better. What are all those poor suckers who spent their entire Del Taco income on massive Sony’s with orange rimmed speakers & weird electronic visuals supposed to do now? People think they’re really clever when they claim that dudes who buy massive stereos are overcompensating for their tiny penises. Following that premise, dudes who buy these discreet, clear plastic stereos are basically buying themselves vibrators.

2. “How to Teach Your Baby Math” Deluxe Kit: HOLY FUCK. What fucking BABY needs to learn MATH?! At this rate of premature education, babies will start going to school fresh out of the womb and getting high powered jobs while they’re teething. We’ll have baby CEO’s, baby lawyers and baby gynecologists. Yeah, baby gynecologists. Wrap your mind around that.

3. Wireless Boxing Robots: Sharper Image advertises that “each robot in this set of two is controlled by a 27 MHz wireless infrared remote. Arms work separately to throw hooks, jabs, crosses and uppercuts. Independently moving legs endow your boxer with fancy footwork. LEDs on each robot light up to count direct hits. Land four punches to knock your opponent out. Recommended for ages 4 years and older.” While I was getting ready to bash this new invention I was like, wait a minute, that’s fucking awesome, I want one!

4. Heat-Sensitive Foam Neck-Support Travel Pillow: Dear Fuckhead, Do you use a hankie? Do you carry hand sanitizer in your man purse? Did you see this ad and think, ‘that sounds fabulous!’? If you answered yes to any of those questions, that means you’re a huge pussy faggot mama’s boy with a tiny dick and the entire world is laughing at you.

5. Boob jobs.