top 5 things I miss about high school pt 2

1. After school jobs: During my junior and senior year, I worked at this little podunk pizza parlor that all the kids went to and I’d spend my entire shift eating pizza, stealing wine or smoking pot in the back alley during my break. Sometimes I’d wait on tables & be able to pocket some gas money but I spent most of the time in the back room drinking beer with the dishwasher who was 40 and didn’t speak any English because he was the coolest person there. I even got fired, rehired and fired again and to this day I can’t figure out what happened. But still, I worked in a pizza parlor! A FUCKING PIZZA parlor! I mean, shit, I still work in a pizza parlor but now every shift is like the time my step mom said “ah’m so hungreh I could eat tha ass outuv a rhino!” and I died a little bit.

2. Getting in trouble: Remember when getting in trouble was the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD? When I got caught shop lifting at Longs, I thought I was going to die, that my life would be cut short at age 14 and I’d be destined to spend the rest of my life in my room while my mom cried about what a shitty kid I turned out to be. Whenever I sensed I was in trouble, my asshole would clamp shut & I’d start shaking and sweating and now the only time I feel like that is when I have a hangover. Recently my brother ran into an old high school buddy & they were talking about when they got caught for smoking pot and his friend got all pale and said, “man, that was soooo bad” and we could tell he never got over it even though is parents probably don’t even remember the incident. Now when you bring up getting in trouble to your mom, she always asks what your talking about and your like, “You don’t remember?! That was the day the world ended!” and she’s like, “no” and then you realize how much time you spent berating and emotionally exhausting yourself while your parents were downstairs boozing it up, laughing about how you got caught shoplifting a pair of fucking earrings.

3. Living on your own: Imagining living on your own was way more fun than actually doing it. I used to imagine going grocery shopping and buying only snack packs and popcorn or having all my friends over to hang out ALL NIGHT LONG. Now when I go to the grocery store, I can’t afford snack packs and popcorn and when my friends come over I’m like, when are you going to leave already? I used to imagine hanging up pictures and art work all over my walls and now when I do that, my landlord screams at me for putting a hole in the wall and keeps my deposit. I envy people who get to live in their parents basement and watch porn all day.

4. Money: All the money you made from your shitty job in high school went to the following: booze, gas, drugs, records and pizza. I used to have wads of cash lying around my room (of course nothing over $30 but that’s all I needed to get anything I wanted) and now if I see a dollar bill on the floor I freak out because I might lose it. I used to make checks out to places like Volume One Books, Amoeba and Ben Franklin Art Supply and now I make checks out to Capital One, PG&E, Comcast, Kaiser, the trash guys and my landlord. I hate being a grownup.

5. Milk Break & Lunch: To this day I remember that milk break was exactly at 10:10am and lunch was at 12:13pm. At milk break, we’d stand around eating rice krispie treats while bitching about teachers and stupid jocks and plan our next great escape from the evil, fascist regime that was high school. I’m pretty sure we didn’t know what fascist meant.
However, it wasn’t so cool when your friends were late to your designated spot at milk break, so you’d hide in the bathroom until they got there, and then they’d be like “where were you?” and you’d be all, “doin’ stuff” but really you were just wondering if you’d ever be cool.