I know I have other stuff to worry about, but as long as Eliot Spitzer’s whores and Britney Spears keep dominating the news, it’s up to NPR nerds and English teachers to give a flying fuck. So, please allow me to hop in my time machine and go back 10 years to when everyone thought pirates, monkeys and ninjas were cool. Now that it is 1998 and I’m in high school again, this news should blow my tiny mind. While I’m here, I might as well grab a hot cheese hoagie and chocolate milk and, oh, hey! I forgot that this is also when stoners sported those “free Tibet” stickers as a fashion statement. Wasn’t that cute and fun? Fast forward to the present when shit is going 10 kinds of crazy in Tibet, but we’re too busy buying Palestinian headscarves on St. Marks because they’re pretty. No wonder New Yorkers are so confused. We’re not sure if we’re having a free Tibet rally or a pillow fight.

1. Dreams.
Dooode, did you just have the weirdest dream EVER? Yeah? I mean, are they normally pretty weird, probably weirder than everyone else’s but this one was the weirdest one in the whole fucking world? Okay so you were standing in your living room, but it wasn’t really YOUR living room, I mean, you know, it was, but it wasn’t the one you have in real life and then that guy who sat next to you in third grade was there but while you were talking to him he turned into your ex-boyfriend. Dude, that is really fucking weird. Hey, you know what that reminds me of? THAT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

2. Your shitty job and that craaaazy person you work with.
Look, I know Nina is having a hard time because she’s going through a divorce and consequently taking it out on your inability to leave her mail on the left side of her desk and not the right side, but until you’ve been a bicycle delivery girl getting paid $5 an hour to haul giant backpacks full of food through the festering asshole of Brooklyn in the snow and 30mph wind, I don’t want to fucking hear it. This is one of the main reasons I don’t want to get married. The idea of spending my evenings listening to my spouse talk about his stupid fucking job and his asshole boss make me want to choke to death on a bag of wet dicks.

3. Fashion.
Look, I’m a girl just like the rest of you fags. I have two boobies, one vag and seven pairs of shoes. However, I only wear one of them and I wear the same hoodie and old jeans every single day because I have far too much other shit to worry about than what people who aren’t looking at me aren’t thinking about what I’m wearing. I’ve been dressing like it’s 1996 for the last decade, and having the luxury of not growing past 5’2 means I literally get to wear the same exact clothes I wore, on, like, the first day of freshman PE when I got shit on by a bird while wearing my favorite hoodie and I knew my life was cursed.

4. Hipsters
Hipsters making fun of hipsters is like fat people ordering diet sodas with their double bacon cheeseburgers. It’s like voting for Ralph Nader.

5. Problems. We all have them and hearing about yours are really fucking boring. I suggest you do this with them:

1. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this “I have feelings” trend that’s going on with boys, but WHAT THE FUCK? I never go home with strangers but occasionally I’ll go home with someone I do know, and we’ll be about to have sex and suddenly he’ll get all sensitive and shit about whether or not I’m into him or if I’m just here to fuck. And I’m like, “yeah…I’m totally naked with a condom in my hand and I’m here to cuddle?” Maybe it’s this whole new movement where women are all empowered and shit, but that doesn’t mean that men have to step into our old role of wanting things like “relationships” and wanting to talk about “feelings.” If I wanted to fuck a pussy, I would’ve been a lesbian.

2. Many of the guys I hang out with fall into two categories: cartoonists and non cartoonists. But the problem here is competition. Men are, by nature, very competitive. So my non cartoonist friends get competitive about things like skateboarding and biking while my cartoonist friends get competitive about comics and video games. So basically I get to choose between 17 year olds or 7 year olds. Awesoooome.

3. Their dicks don’t vibrate.

4. Guys are attracted to beautiful, buxom women because it’s hard wired in their brains. Sexy ladies=good genes=good breeding partner=continuation of the human race. Even if they don’t know that it’s a rote, animal instinct driving their lust, well, then they‘re, um, uneducated. That means girls like myself who aren’t quite as genetically blessed are always going to have a harder time attracting boys. It’s a fact of nature. Proven by science. And science is the shit & you can’t fight it. Oh sure you can try to win them with your “sense of humor” and your “smarts” and other such bullshit, but if it’s the human race you’re worried about and you feel the need to shit out yet another snotty white trash brat who’s gonna drink diet coke during breakfast, then keep in mind that it’s lot less effort to just get drunk, show some tit and hope for the best.

5. #3.

I call bullshit on anyone who says that high school totally sucked. All I did in high school was cut class, smoke pot, drink, drive around & hang out at friend’s houses when their parents were gone, listening to music & eating fruit snacks. Knowing I was headed to the JC right after high school, I had the luxury of not doing my homework, not showing up for class and not taking the SATs. I had a shitty job, I didn’t have any financial debts, my mom bought all my food and I could afford to buy new records. (That was back when people actually BOUGHT music. Who does that anymore? Sigh) With minor variances, high school was like this for most kids and anyone who did stupid stuff like homework and SATs totally dick themselves over by being productive and missing out on the splendor of teen angst. So here’s my list of things I love and totally miss about high school. Although, if offered the opportunity to go back and relive that time, I’d have to give it an emphatic no fucking thank you.

1. Making out: Making out was the best thing ever. You could spend hours and hours just kissing & groping each other & never worry about the AIDS or the herpes. You could spend entire parties almost pissing yourself with excitement knowing you’re going to make out with someone that night. But now, after two minutes of making out, I’m like, “BOOOOORING!”

2 .Excuse notes: Oh how I long for the days when everything I did could be excused with a parent’s note. Notes were the magic key to legitimate freedom from school for anywhere from an entire day to just one class so you could go smoke pot in the park across the street. Your teacher would be like, “why didn’t you turn in your paper?” and you’d be all, “it’s cool, I got a note” and the yard duty would be like, “where do you think you’re going?” and you’d be all, “I got a note, dooode” and your counselor would be like, “you’re failing math” and you’d be all “got a note” and the principle would be like, “you’re not going to graduate” and you’d be all “NOTE!” and then everything would be okay. Now try pulling that with your overdue bills or not showing up for work and everyone’s like, “you’re fired,” and you’re all, “fuck.”

3. Drugs: doing drugs in high school was super fun because you could think about “the meaning of life“ or your newest crush or how you’re gaining “world experience” and “opening new doors of perception.” The worst thing that could happen was a bad trip in which you overanalyzed your parents divorce or cry about the time Travis called you Tiny Tits. Once I had a bad trip on mushrooms and I crawled on my hands and knees down a deserted country road and then jumped into a ditch full of moldy leaves & landed on a barbed wire fence. At the time I thought it was the worst thing ever but now I’d consider that a night well spent.

4. Yard duty: remember when your whole world was governed by the yard duty people? At my high school we had Cowboy Ron & Ruthless Toothless. Cowboy Ron was this weird old dude who wore cowboy boots, hats and belt buckles with button up cowboy shirts & would get insanely pissed off if you referred to him as Cowboy Ron, which we did twice a day. Then some kids cutting class ran over his foot when he ran up to their car & no one ever messed with him after that.
Ruthless Toothless was this tiny old lady who was missing some teeth & ruled the parking lot with an iron fist, chasing and screaming at kids trying to cut class. You’d be ready to make a run for it & there’s be no one within miles of you & the minute you stepped off campus, Ruthless Toothless would appear out of thin air & throw your ass in the Dean’s office so fast that you’d be like, “what the fuck was that? Who am I?”

5. Drinking: In high school, I could put away an entire bottle of vodka without a chaser or mixer and it’d be like when the Olson twins were quoted screaming “alcohol tastes like water!” and then the next day go swimming at the Soda Hole & feel like a peach. Now I take one shot of whiskey & I’m like, “baaarrf” all over the place and spend the next day laying on the couch in agony, trying to watch the news. fuck that noise.
oh haha who am I kidding? I drink all the time and I drink whiskey, thank you very much. I just wanted to quote the Olsen twins.

1. After school jobs: During my junior and senior year, I worked at this little podunk pizza parlor that all the kids went to and I’d spend my entire shift eating pizza, stealing wine or smoking pot in the back alley during my break. Sometimes I’d wait on tables & be able to pocket some gas money but I spent most of the time in the back room drinking beer with the dishwasher who was 40 and didn’t speak any English because he was the coolest person there. I even got fired, rehired and fired again and to this day I can’t figure out what happened. But still, I worked in a pizza parlor! A FUCKING PIZZA parlor! I mean, shit, I still work in a pizza parlor but now every shift is like the time my step mom said “ah’m so hungreh I could eat tha ass outuv a rhino!” and I died a little bit.

2. Getting in trouble: Remember when getting in trouble was the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD? When I got caught shop lifting at Longs, I thought I was going to die, that my life would be cut short at age 14 and I’d be destined to spend the rest of my life in my room while my mom cried about what a shitty kid I turned out to be. Whenever I sensed I was in trouble, my asshole would clamp shut & I’d start shaking and sweating and now the only time I feel like that is when I have a hangover. Recently my brother ran into an old high school buddy & they were talking about when they got caught for smoking pot and his friend got all pale and said, “man, that was soooo bad” and we could tell he never got over it even though is parents probably don’t even remember the incident. Now when you bring up getting in trouble to your mom, she always asks what your talking about and your like, “You don’t remember?! That was the day the world ended!” and she’s like, “no” and then you realize how much time you spent berating and emotionally exhausting yourself while your parents were downstairs boozing it up, laughing about how you got caught shoplifting a pair of fucking earrings.

3. Living on your own: Imagining living on your own was way more fun than actually doing it. I used to imagine going grocery shopping and buying only snack packs and popcorn or having all my friends over to hang out ALL NIGHT LONG. Now when I go to the grocery store, I can’t afford snack packs and popcorn and when my friends come over I’m like, when are you going to leave already? I used to imagine hanging up pictures and art work all over my walls and now when I do that, my landlord screams at me for putting a hole in the wall and keeps my deposit. I envy people who get to live in their parents basement and watch porn all day.

4. Money: All the money you made from your shitty job in high school went to the following: booze, gas, drugs, records and pizza. I used to have wads of cash lying around my room (of course nothing over $30 but that’s all I needed to get anything I wanted) and now if I see a dollar bill on the floor I freak out because I might lose it. I used to make checks out to places like Volume One Books, Amoeba and Ben Franklin Art Supply and now I make checks out to Capital One, PG&E, Comcast, Kaiser, the trash guys and my landlord. I hate being a grownup.

5. Milk Break & Lunch: To this day I remember that milk break was exactly at 10:10am and lunch was at 12:13pm. At milk break, we’d stand around eating rice krispie treats while bitching about teachers and stupid jocks and plan our next great escape from the evil, fascist regime that was high school. I’m pretty sure we didn’t know what fascist meant.
However, it wasn’t so cool when your friends were late to your designated spot at milk break, so you’d hide in the bathroom until they got there, and then they’d be like “where were you?” and you’d be all, “doin’ stuff” but really you were just wondering if you’d ever be cool.

1. Baths: While partaking in my favorite activity: sitting in the bathtub, reading used magazines & drinking cheap red wine, I realized how utterly ridiculous baths are. While I can’t wait to get home from a double shift waiting tables & sink into a hot bath full of bubbles & booze, half of the world is cursing the fact that they have to climb into a filthy tin tub of used tepid water that nine of their siblings just peed in. So while that half would give their firstborn for a clean, hot shower, I’m like “meh, I’d prefer to wallow in my own filth, thank you very much.”

2. People telling me I’m short: Sometimes when I meet people, they’re like “wow! you really are short!” (I’m 5′2) and I’m like, “no fuck, assface.” I’m going to start telling people that I’m super SUPER short, like, midget short, so that way when they meet me, they’ll be like “damn baby, you’re one tall midget!”

3. The guy who stands in front of the giant tree in the park across the street from my house from 6-8am everygoddamnday: Dude just stands there, in front of the tree, meditating or some shit. I’m fine with joggers & those goofy people who do tao-bo or kung fu or whatever in the park but with this guy, I’m like “get a fucking job you piece of zen poo.” Also, I have no idea why, but three square feet of grass where he stands is the only dead patch in the whole park. Is the guy just standing there peeing for two hours? what a douche.

4. Cats n’ Bitches: Last night, my roommate & I were hanging out in her room, watching fighting videos on YouTube and after an hour of “gak!” and “oh shit doode!” we needed something a little less violent to soothe our growing misanthropy and she goes, “I’ve got the perfect thing!” and types in “cats” and we immediately fell into hysterics watching cats do hilarious cat things and everything was alright. Yep, it’s just that easy to make girls happy. Stupid, stupid girls.

5. Babies: They shit, scream, cry and keep you up all night. Who in their right mind would look at one of those stinky, snot covered mini persons & be like “hot damn, I’d love to squeeze that out of my ripped open cunt in a slimy bath of blood & shit.”
(Yeah, that’s right, you SHIT when you have babies. I know this because my ma was a lamaze teacher for 20 years & I grew up watching close ups of vaginal births on video. This may be why I don’t have a TV in my apartment now that I’m kinda-sorta grown up. This may also be why I hate babies. Besides the fact that they’re little fucking bastards.)

1. AcoustiClear: I’ve been seeing these small CD players with clear speakers in stores for awhile now, and I’m totally confused. I thought the bigger and the uglier, the better. What are all those poor suckers who spent their entire Del Taco income on massive Sony’s with orange rimmed speakers & weird electronic visuals supposed to do now? People think they’re really clever when they claim that dudes who buy massive stereos are overcompensating for their tiny penises. Following that premise, dudes who buy these discreet, clear plastic stereos are basically buying themselves vibrators.

2. “How to Teach Your Baby Math” Deluxe Kit: HOLY FUCK. What fucking BABY needs to learn MATH?! At this rate of premature education, babies will start going to school fresh out of the womb and getting high powered jobs while they’re teething. We’ll have baby CEO’s, baby lawyers and baby gynecologists. Yeah, baby gynecologists. Wrap your mind around that.

3. Wireless Boxing Robots: Sharper Image advertises that “each robot in this set of two is controlled by a 27 MHz wireless infrared remote. Arms work separately to throw hooks, jabs, crosses and uppercuts. Independently moving legs endow your boxer with fancy footwork. LEDs on each robot light up to count direct hits. Land four punches to knock your opponent out. Recommended for ages 4 years and older.” While I was getting ready to bash this new invention I was like, wait a minute, that’s fucking awesome, I want one!

4. Heat-Sensitive Foam Neck-Support Travel Pillow: Dear Fuckhead, Do you use a hankie? Do you carry hand sanitizer in your man purse? Did you see this ad and think, ‘that sounds fabulous!’? If you answered yes to any of those questions, that means you’re a huge pussy faggot mama’s boy with a tiny dick and the entire world is laughing at you.

5. Boob jobs.